I was doing pretty good at blogging about my mental health over a year ago, and then it got too hard. I didn't just walk away for a minor reason though. I'll tell you about what happened from my last blog, up to this one...
Struggling is something most everyone feels at some time or another. Some of us are just 'lucky' enough to feel it more often. And sometimes we are struggling so much that maybe we don't even realize we are struggling, which is what happened to me. Even though I have lived with panic attacks for over thirty years, I still enjoyed life, most of the time. There are always bumps in the road, even for those with no mental illness. So I thought I was just having a bump in my road and everything would be fine soon enough. Well, that didn't happen.
Why? Because some of us are 'talented' enough to tell ourselves that something else is going on other than what is really going on. I am one of those talented people, unfortunately.
I say 'unfortunately' because had I just payed attention to myself and my actions, I might have caught on to what was happening inside my head way before I actually did, and saved myself some pain and suffering. Now that I know I have this unwanted 'talent', I need to learn how to manage it for the future.
So what was happening? Well, for about a year I was sitting in my chair. Yes, a whole year. Because I have that unwanted talent, I had told myself that I was just lazy. I was so convinced that I was just lazy that I never told anyone that my days consisted of mostly just sitting in my chair where I either slept, or looked out the window... because I was embarrassed at how lazy I was. My 'talent' was to get up with my family, get them off to school and work...then go to my chair. Sometimes I didn't need to sit in my chair, but most of the time I did. I would do the absolute most that I could handle, which was grocery shopping, picking the kids up from school, and making dinner. All with a pretty nice smile on my face while in my head I was telling myself how lazy I was, and that made me so disappointed in myself. Happy on the outside, miserable on the inside. I'm sure many, if not all of you, know that horrible game.
Anyway, fast forward (I will get more into it as the blogs go on), to where my service dog, Heartlee, had to be retired because my anxiety and depression were so out of control that it was affecting him, all the while I kept telling myself I was so lazy, and I felt so ashamed of myself.
Then the pandemic hit!
Suddenly everyone was home...all day long...everyday.
I still couldn't get out of my chair, but only now I couldn't hide my 'laziness'. And this is where my new journey begins.
Remember that someone out there knows how you are feeling. You are not alone even if it feels like it. Reach out to someone if you can.
Sending lots of virtual hugs to anyone who may need it, and as always...
Keep Calm and Panic On.
Until next time.
Stephanie (and Finlee)